Per my usual schedule of playing cat and mouse with a regular sleeping schedule, I did something tonight I’ve been doing too much recently: falling asleep during the evening and waking up mere hours later, under the assumption it is already the next morning.
Of course, each and every time, it is either sometime between 11 PM and 2 AM.
Tonight, it was 11:33 PM when I woke up, initially smiling that I managed to sleep the entire night through. That smile soon faded, however, when I felt my phone pressing up against my left ear; wanting to believe it was indeed at least 5 AM. That would have been nice. But, like most everything recently, I just cannot get things to go my way. It was aggravating, sure, but it has essentially become the norm for me.
I stand up too quickly. This seems to happen every day, too. My head becomes light and I have to bend over slightly because it’s quite strong. I shake my head, widen my eyes, and then sit back down. It was in between the moment I bent over and sat back down when I decided I was thirsty.
Were there drinks in the refrigerator? Of course. But, given the chance, I felt like driving rather than walking to the kitchen and to the couch in the front room. It always seems more appetizing and fulfilling late at night.
It’s when I reached outside that I smiled and literally just stood outside of my car and looked around at everything. Except for a few lights on in houses down the street, the city lay quiet and the warm breeze tickled my senses into reliving times of a year ago, around the same time frame, where I practically started a domino effect of everything that has caused my life to has bumps where they never should have been.
College. Finances. All of that.
You live and you learn. I get that. But, ugh, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to completely forgive myself over all the things I have messed up due to not only being lazy, but handling situations as if I were still in high school.
Shaking it off, I drive to get gas for my car. I was running low, so I had about a minute to kill while my car becomes re-energized. There was one other person around, but I muted them out. I glazed at the sky and surrounding restaurants who stay open all night, and I dropped my mouth a little bit.
I have a month left in this city and I am doing absolutely nothing I planned on doing. Not even the tiny things. Not the abandoned buildings photography, not the writing of my book, nor the personal things I told myself I would have overcome by this point.
Not one thing.
It upset me, but I also found my sudden realization somewhat cringe-worthy. It’s almost Hollywood-ish to go out with a bang, and I recognize that. It’s cheesy when I look back to tonight, but yet it also builds a burden. I suppose I have many things I want to change, and I’ve given very little effort into actually doing them.
My car is once again halfway full, and I drive to a fast food restaurant to fulfill my burning desire for something to drink. At this point, I was feeling sort of down, so I switch it to Coldplay’s ‘Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall’. Nine times out of ten, this song can cheer me up. It’s such a powerful, emotionally-driven song, that I know something is wrong with me if I can’t at least sing along to it (despite Chris Martin’s tough and varying vocal range).
I couldn’t sing along to it. I had to recognize something was up, and after muting the track, and driving down the street slower than I should have been, it hit me harder than I would like to admit.
“What am I doing with my life?”
Admittedly, I have been acting very weird to friends and family since around mid-April (I’d like to blame nerves of moving for that), but seriously, what am I doing with my life? Aside from the nice, big dreams of St. Louis and Journalism School, nothing else is really fitting the bill.
My hobbies include writing when I feel like it, photographing abandoned buildings, hanging out with my (now) small group of friends — and that’s it. Nothing I do is incredibly interesting, and I hide under a facade telling myself I’m much more interesting than I really am.
Don’t get me wrong, I am pleased with my life and where it is headed. Like I touched on in my last post, I never would have expected any of this (Missouri? What?), and I’m incredibly grateful for it all, but my desire for the past year is to become the person I have dreamt of for quite some time now.
Missouri is the first chapter in it all. I just want it to be here quick.